All my life, I’ve struggled with communication. I was a big (and I really do mean BIG) crybaby; I would cry to get attention and get my way in certain things. Unhappy with a certain decision? Cry. Angry at someone? Cry hot angry tears. I was a wreck; not being able to control my emotions.
In retrospect, these inability to control my emotions were caused by the inability to communicate. All the words I wanted to express could not be verbalized, instead they manifested in the form of shouts, screams, laughs and tears.
Looking back at my childhood, I realized that while emotive self-expression was important, I was too reliant on it as a means of communication. This left me with limited methods of communication. And growing up, I had always felt an inability to express my thoughts through words, phrases and sentences. This in turn hindered my academics, especially literature, and left me feeling rather confused — “why couldn’t I express myself adequately? Was I doing something wrong? Do I even make sense or do I just not know how to phrase my thoughts well?”
I guess this was the primary reason for me to start this Medium account — to improve my communication skills, specifically through the written medium.
As for speaking, I would have difficulty trying to express myself when I was younger. Perhaps it was the lack of confidence; I was soft-spoken, timid and unsure. Unsure of what? Probably whether my points would make sense verbally, or whether I would be able to articulate my thoughts coherently. It was somewhat a struggle; I would add lots of filler words (“like”, “um”, “so”) to fill the empty gaps within my sentences as I processed my thoughts. In hindsight, I guess I was nervous (somewhat) from trying to verbalize all the chatter that was going on inside my mind.
My ability to communicate has grown much since my childhood years, but I do believe that I have much more to learn. I still do stumble and hesitate at times, or get overwhelmed by the endless sea of thoughts in my head, but I’ve been and will continue to work on it, learning to sit with my thoughts at times, to tease out the most important points and learn how to express myself properly.
I know that it’s going to be a long process but at least I know I’m growing.
